Big girls dont cry…..

 they say ships that are about to go down, can always sense the impending doom….that fatal tide or that unseen god-forsaken glacier (OK, the Titanic crew was obviously either stoned or highly incompetent or maybe they were just pure bored knowing that darling Kate & boy-lover Dicaprio were warming the sack while their asses froze out on the deck)…..or that sinking feeling (and i mean literally) that your fairy tale is not any different…….that no fairy tale has a perfect ending and that life is  full of surprises …………….

Since i was young i had a defence mechanism against ultimate disasters……my experience had taught me that if you think of the worse thing that can happen to you….then it probably wont happen…….becoz disasters have a nack of surprising the hell out of you …….

So why did i not think of the ultimate disaster now? Perhaps becoz the mere thought of it was so unbelievably scary that i cautiously and deliberately avoided it………behold the thought….as it came true………

The miracle of Magnimity (Part III)

I always knew i had a flair to be selfless and “good” every once in a while…..But it is such a great feeling, almost like a releif that spreads throughout your body almost as conveniently as venom……….

Im competitive…i always thought it was my most “sale-able” trait…..something i could confidently pitch to a Boardroom, an interviewer, even people i was related to…..Ironically i found out it caused me more pain than good………perhaps because i have such a destructive nature…….

I once read in a book by Carlos Ruiz Zafon “He was like a mirage to me. You don’t question its reality, you simply follow it untill it vanishes…………or untill it destroys you.”

Why do i remember this particular piece from a 700 page book because i realised how much i identify with it……..that is what ive always done…….so if we are to draw an inference…….my life is a bundle of mirages???!!!!! Things ive pursued, people i have desired, material objects ive collected, worshipped and gaurded………It is an endless pursuit………And you will not believe what i found to be worth more than all of this……a sincere reply to a colleague’s question “Do you think i have a chance at a job abroad?”……without contemplating my reply in 1000 hideous ways….: “i shud tell her to leave, because then i will be the center of attention. OR thank god i can get her out of my way…..that way i’ll be eligible for the next increment solely”……. I replied sincerely

Yes a hundred selfish thoughts and one powerful act: sincerity………..

Anyway ive effectively had the most unproductive day of all the gazillion number of unproductive days ive had so far……….with this damn country ready to blow up anyone and everyone…….even the cinema is not a choice anymore……no wonder there are so many fat, unhappy people in this city……the damn place has no entertainment………except hoggingggg!!!!!!!

SO i guess it’s going to be waj & fuz, Gopi the cat, Gopi (not the cat), my ipod, the third season of LOST, my new book: the NO Asshole Rule and maybe bhatti ……… if he has time n he can leave his mommmyy alone at home….

Chao!!!!!!!!!

The miracle of Magnimity (Part II)

You see i realised it is time for a normal blog so here goes…….(obviously in light of the last one)

On Saturday i attended my first training session. Although the topic was not much of an interest to me, yet i thoroughly enjoyed it. Obviously because it feels good to be in the lime light …. for me……its a survival instinct. I know i crave and thrive on attention…….its a dangerous need you know. The only dependable source of motivation n happiness is from within. One of my really close friends, Muhammad Ali, who was at the time adjunct faculty memeber at LUMS University, used to warn me …… i still remember that and sometimes smile to myself at how well he knew me because recently ive realised its true………..

in the last 6 months ive stressed myself to the point of being on the brink of insanity ….. primarily because i let people damage my self-confidence…….how vulnerable?

Anyway getting back to the miracle……….you know i’m a cynic……..the half-empty kinna gal……….i cant remeber the last time i was in a relationship (any) and did not have suspicions about the other person’s intentions………especially when they r about to make a so-called gesture………………

But recently, like so many other things that ive experienced for the first time……i witnessed what i call the miracle of magnanimity……for the first time in my life………i was given something by someone………..without an ulterior motive………just for who i am……..

Unbelievable……..yes it is! There are still people out there who will enter your lives out of nowhere and sweep you off your feet……..without a fairy tale……….

The miracle of attention, admiration and what follows Part I

Im definitely sleepy/groggy. U see my system works in wierd ways……I have wasted half of my life….sleeping….and the other half……after men! I feel i cud’ve accomplished so much if only i could’ve somehow controlled my compulsive nature…….

I still have days when i will just thing of something insane to do…..usually which has to do with throwing away money…….or being with someone that i don’t really want to be with in the first place…….all consequences of my confusion.

But anyway this was supposed to be a happy note…….i really wish i had written this on saturday evening, as Gopi said “he had not heard me this happy in the 3 months or so.” Must have been really happy……i think i was…..because i remember it was FM 89 (Radio channel)’s b-day that day……..n the DJ was playing Jazzy B’s “Jinnay Mera Dil Luteya”….ho ho…..Jinnay Mainoon Maar Suttyaa…..ho ho…..Lak patla balori uday nain nain……….seeeeeeee………this is wat im talking about………the music blaring and me swingin my hips and dancing in the car, in the garage followed by a wierd entry……. [U shud've seen the look on my brothers' faces.......LOL......it was fun]

Mistakes….

I was introduced to Robert Sutton by my Professor for one of the programs I have just completed from eCornell (the e-learning subsidiary of Cornell University, NY). Sutton is a Professor at Stanford and has authored several best seller books. I was asked by my Professor to visit his blog, where I learnt about his book “The no asshole rule.” The cover says, “R u bullied by an asshole (Sutton’s words not mine, i think i would still choose a more subtle term) at work, someone who makes your life difficult and causes unnecessary stress.” And I inadvertently found myself asking this question (addressed to me of course) and was not surprised to hear the answer. An overwhelming, loud, splashed all across my mental, emotional and physical canvas…..YES!!!!

What to do next……..well there’s only one man I know in this world who is intellectual, fun loving and amazingly kind at the same time. I do find myself thinking is he a figment of my imagination…..perhaps all these years of being stuck in the lurch with idiots, assholes and more idiots has brought my mind to a point where I have developed an altered reality………perhaps! But like most of my doubts I will just brush this one safely under the huge mat of my confused desire cum brutal reality. Anyway coming back to this friend, he was kind enough to shock me by informing me that a) HE had already read the book (I mean which world are you from dude???? YOU READ???!!!) And b) He will actually take the trouble to ship it over to me. WOW….i’m ecstatic!!

So coming back to Sutton, he says “Organizations should be judged by how they react when their employees make mistakes.” Yes…….this one simple statement and i’m a huge fan of the man…….what great insight. You see the hardest thing in this world is to forgive people when they make mistakes……..like yesterday I found out that my youngest brother had misused his cell phone to a whopping 3000 rupees……which will come out of my pocket of course…….I was furious beyond words, I will never forgive him….but then I was reminded of Sutton and what he said……frankly, i’ve confiscated his cell phone for now………..but somehow there is a strange calm within me, i’m not angry anymore……..disappointed, yes……feeling betrayed, yes…..but not angry!

The beginning of …. Me

July 09th 2007………my first blog! some would say it’s high time, others: “Man your life makes me sorry ya? you have to resort to internet to vent your feelings”. I’ d say its a bit of both………after all computers r sooo much better than humans…..less judgemental, more docile, less complicated, more mundane……..

 So where do i start … i think its safest to start from a couple of months ago coz if i go back (like way back) there’s nothing really to share…..no acheivements…….nothing exciting……..blah blah………i guess the greatest regret i have from all those years is that i never really cared enough for things that mattered the most…………relationships! Was never really “a nice person”.  And the result: “im 22, stuck in a deadend job, with people that remind me of myself sometime ago” now that I have changed, i look at them and realize “oh how absolutely aweful i must’ve been”.

You know they say : “When u change or you make a vow to God, that you will change for the better……….somehow all the things around you start cajoling you into that state.” I think the saddest part is……….i ran after the wrong things……..everything material and yet like some lucky people……….the harder i tried the more i failed…….the more desperate i got to achieve, the further seemed to be my destiny……….n then one day i found myself strapped and incapacitated……….unable to do all the things i always took granted for……….

That is when is suddenly occured to me………..i never got anything nice from the world, because i never gave anything worthwhile in the first place………..and the evidence for the theory……….the moment i changed ……. i met someone so unbelievably nice ……… that i really cant figure out another word (even checked the thesaurus)

This world is what you expect of it…………….yes im still very disappointed in myself……i feel like a failure as far as my career is concerned but then……..mabe i have it all wrong………maybe this doesn’t really matter………maybe this life is too short………..maybe im not ready for the career challengee…….maybe this is a neverending pursuit, the more you acheive, the more the competition……….maybe ive been trying too hard to please the wrong people……..maybe it is NOt about money all the time……….it certainly isn’t because how else would u get an offer to spend time with someone across the world…..without any strings attached…………just because we share life and we have fun and we matter so much to each other…………imagine a series of events changing your paradigm all together………some may say im burnt that is why i say all this……..maybe but who the hell cares?????????

If this is how i will become less obsessive, less self-involved, less selfish ……….. then be it!!!!!! ive spent 21 years like this…….and iv had enuf………maybe i’ll have to give up all ive earned during this time……..to start afresh……….n it will hurt and there will be times of regret…………but i beleive it will pay off………it has to……….it will just have to!